I decided to attend my mother's birthday dinner - as a surprise. She lives near Brisbane and I live in Sydney, approximately 900 kilometres between us. It wasn't a special birthday so it wasn't on her radar that I would be attending. All the better to surprise her with.
In collusion with my step-father, I booked the plane ticket. We both found it difficult to not blurt it out that I was coming to the dinner, he especially since he lived with her and knew how much she was going to enjoy having me there. That created a buzz and excitement for us over the next two months.
Then it also meant, a weekend, well one night and a day away from the family. At the airport, I found the long queues for security, waiting at the gate to board, and then a plane ride for an hour and half by myself, pure luxury. I was carrying a completely gripping novel, The Sorrows of an American by Suri Hustvedt and it meant more reading time. Something I rarely did uninterrupted unless I was on the toilet. When the plane was delayed by fifteen minutes, and the other passengers groaned with impatience, I grinned with the deliciousness of more reading.
I had planned a morning with a friend M. She picked me up from the airport and we sped towards good coffee and good gossip, shopping, gifts and more food. There was excitement just from having a fly-in visit with an old friend.
My sister then picked me up and took me back to her spacious, quiet home. More bliss. An air-conditioned room with a double bed, films and fast cars - driven by her boyfriend.
Then came the moment of surprise. My sister and her boyfriend walked into the restaurant where my mother was already seated with her husband and a good friend. They handed over their gifts and then quickly texted me. I was clandestinely concealed in the back of my sister's sports car, waiting for the signal. Like a regular pro for the Bond movies, I disengaged myself from the secure position and entered the restaurant. I approached their table and stood in front of my mother. She was still unaware of my presence. I said, "I've come to say Happy Birthday in person!"
My mother looked up, and for a moment there was confusion, and then complete joy and surprise. "Jedda! What are you doing here?" She stood up and hugged me, a huge smile across her beautiful face.
My step-father grinned ferociously. He had been keeping this secret for too long and he was glad to finally have it revealed.
The meal was good, the dessert was better. It was three hours we would all remember. Not everyone likes surprises and I'm one of them. I had experienced some trepidation over whether my mother was in my category or the category that completely feel loved by surprises. My mother, I was glad to find out, was in the latter.
To top it off, I slept in, read for an hour in bed, and felt like I'd been away for a week. Though I would prefer not to receive surprises, the zest I felt in delivering one, meant I would always be happy giving them.
Conflicting Goals
I’ve just put the kids to sleep. Wow. What an afternoon. The four year old spent quite a large percentage of time between 6pm and 7pm crying because she didn’t want rice for dinner. After I begrudgingly whacked a can of beans on toast in front of her, she not only ate the beans but surprise, surprise ate the RICE!! FIGURE IT OUT PEOPLE!!!
I’m Laura and I am a mum, studying Coaching Psychology at Sydney University (remotely) and currently living in Singapore (it’s been 3 months).
I hope to contribute to the life saving blog that Orange Peel is with a few bits of my experiences and some of the great concepts I’ve learnt at uni..god bless the psychology faculty! Just stuff to chew on.
My first installment is about a simple concept called ‘conflicting goals’. I realized the other day how this contributes to the quiet anxiety I feel on an ongoing basis. Trying to meet two goals at the same time. See, even though I blame it on the kids (it’s a mother’s right to) the truth is I do hold responsibility for a significant share of the stress I create in my life.
Like today, I decided to check my emails while the four year old (yes, that is her name ‘the-four-year-old’) was hanging off me asking if she could look at ABC Kids on the Internet. After a few minutes of whining (and holding myself back from thumping her on the head with the laptop….I have a suppressed violent streak) I turned the computer off. Simple. No more stress. Conflicting goals eliminated. I then opened up a space for the 4 year old to tell me what she wanted to do. Draw and cut out cupcakes was the response. Not exactly my idea of a night out but hey, it’s what they pay me for (that’s right they don’t pay me…possibly my next installment).
So I call on you sisters (and brothers) to shine a torch on the tension in your life and consider the conflicting goals that arise in your day. Whether big or small they may be adding more pain than gain to your life. Be brave. Switch one goal off and open up the space for what really matters. It may be your 4 year old. Or it may simply be you.
Until next time,
Laura
Give Up Positive Thinking, Embrace Healthy Release of Feelings and Experience Zest
It was a week before my daughter, nearly 5, started kindergarten. We were in a cafe and she kept whining she wanted something to eat. She'd just had berries and babycino and there was an apple in front of her. Nothing was really going to fill her up - she was already full - of feelings that needed to be let out.
She picked up a metal menu holder and threw it. I picked her up and took her outside. She began to scream and shout and though at first she was in my arms, she became too physical for me to hold and I put her down where she rolled around on the ground. I kept close and kept watch. She was doing a great job of letting all those feelings out that were keeping her off-track and disconnected and unco-operative.
Now I know what a good tantrum feels like. Amazing. I had one today with a Listening Partner listening to me, because I felt real disappointed about an event that had to be cancelled. And as I was having it I realised just how good it is. I cried out, it's not fair over and over, hit the bed and screamed. I felt the disappointment melt away.
Ever since I'd read The Aware Baby by Aletha Solter and the Parenting by Connection booklets written by Patty Wipfler from Hand in Hand, I'd been aware of the benefits of crying, tantruming, laughing, trembling and shaking with the attention of an adult close by.
Yes, benefits!
She picked up a metal menu holder and threw it. I picked her up and took her outside. She began to scream and shout and though at first she was in my arms, she became too physical for me to hold and I put her down where she rolled around on the ground. I kept close and kept watch. She was doing a great job of letting all those feelings out that were keeping her off-track and disconnected and unco-operative.
Now I know what a good tantrum feels like. Amazing. I had one today with a Listening Partner listening to me, because I felt real disappointed about an event that had to be cancelled. And as I was having it I realised just how good it is. I cried out, it's not fair over and over, hit the bed and screamed. I felt the disappointment melt away.
Ever since I'd read The Aware Baby by Aletha Solter and the Parenting by Connection booklets written by Patty Wipfler from Hand in Hand, I'd been aware of the benefits of crying, tantruming, laughing, trembling and shaking with the attention of an adult close by.
Yes, benefits!
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